There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness

New blog

2010-08-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

So for those of you who don't already know, my husband has decided to enlist in the military. As of right now, he is doing a semester of college before he is officially enlisted (apparently it's now a requirement to have 12 college credits to enlist if you have a G.E.D instead of a high school diploma)

If all goes as we have planned, he should be going to basic training in January. Well, I've been doing a lot of research online to see what exactly I have to expect along my own journey as a (hopefully) soon-to-be military wife and honestly.. I can't find very much on anything before him being given orders and me moving either on base with him or off-base, whatever is available. I wanted to know what I could expect while he's in basic. While he's in tech school. Etc..

So, because I can't find anything, I figured I would just make sure other people in my shoes could at some point! I have started a new blog, basically to record my little journey from what's going on now with him working on his own physical fitness and going to college while I work full time, until what I hope will be a very successful military career begins for him.

So go add my new blog, please! :)

Click here to visit my new blog

Adulthood

2010-05-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

Technically, I have been an adult for 3 years now. I can, however, honestly say I've never really felt like one. Even when Toad and I were living in our apartment in Huntsville, just the two of us, it still didn't feel like "adulthood." Which is strange looking back on it now, a year later, because I spent most of my days doing laundry, cleaning our apartment while Toad was at work, and cooking dinner for us when he got home.

I turned 21 two weeks ago, Celebrated my step-daughters 3rd birthday on Sunday, and saw my 6 year old step-son graduate from Kindergarten yesterday. Having a baby is something that crosses my mind regularly. It is so incredibly weird to look back on how my life was 3 years ago compared to how it is now. I enjoyed my life when I was just an 18, living with two of my (then) best friends, doing dumb things. But my life now is so drastically different, married with 2 step-kids, and having serious conversations with my husband about the possibility of having a 3rd in the future (not anywhere in the near future, mind you,) I love it even more. And I've never felt more like an adult than I did standing in the corner at the elementary school gym, trying to get pictures of my step-son on his last day of Kindergarten.

I always said I would never get married, never have kids.. Then I met Toad. Funny how one person can change you so much.

Job 2.0 & going back to school.

2010-02-28T05:32:00.001-08:00

It's rare that I feel the need to post on my blog about the same subject more than once but I'll make an exception in this case. You know that song by Theory of a Deadman where he talks about how he hates his job, and his boss, and he doesn't get paid enough money to put up with it. Yeah, I feel like that guy a lot lately.

I may not have a college degree but I'm not an idiot, and I'm way more computer savvy than either of my Indian boss' are. I do not do well with being yelled out or talked down to like I'm a moron, and I especially don't take kindly to having both done at the same time.

My female boss decided to raise her voice at me and basically tell me I am making too many mistakes and I need to pay attention. So many things wrong with this it's not even funny.

1. One of the mistakes I made was on the program we use to take peoples credit card information and take their payments. They have completely changed this program as of about three days ago and I'm having to figure it out on my own because my boss is an asshole. Sorry if I make a mistake on a program I've used for less than a day.

2. I accidentally took out the wrong person's room information from a cubby and stapled it to the correct person's information whom I had just checked out. Yes, I should have been paying more attention, my bad. But the word "hypocrisy" plays a huge role in what is wrong with this. The same person bitching about me having made this mistake had just a week earlier put not one, not two, but five peoples information into the wrong room number cubbies and acted as though it was nothing.

3. If you are going to complain about a mistake I've made at least make sure you make a note of it so I actually know what the hell you're talking about. I check people in and out and take payments constantly. Other than cleaning, that's the entirety of my job. Do you really think I'm going to remember some joe shmoe that stayed one night a couple of days ago, what room number he was in, and what information I printed out for him? NO.

4. Either I discount people to keep them from going to another hotel or I don't.. Make up your fucking mind and stop telling me I shouldn't let people leave and I discounted too much in the same damn breath.

5. I am a woman, yes, and I live in the south, yes. But that doesn't mean I call everyone "hun," "sweety," or "darling," and I find it kind of offensive that my boss would even ask me to do that. You're in BFE Alabama, trust me when I say, any guest staying with us that see's a young white girl as apposed to a middle-aged Indian guy is going to be happy, I don't need to call them pet names to make them feel good. Racist? Maybe. Truthful? Completely.

6. I am married, I have parents, I have step-kids. I have a family. In other words, the business you opened is not my responsibly, my job is my responsibility. Stop calling me on my off days to try and get me to come in just because you're too "busy" getting drunk with your friends to work one shift in a week. I'm not going to come in. Just because you hate your wife and want to be away from her as much as possible doesn't mean we all feel that way. I love my husband very much and would RATHER be home with him than in that place or anywhere near you.

7. I don't work for my health or because I like to (especially not this job) I do it because I need the money. You'd be wise not to continue to conveniently forget to pay me for any hours I worked after 40. I'm not business savvy but I know enough to know that some of your business practices are not legal. If you push me too much I will push back and unlike me, you're going to lose more than just a little bit of money.

I realized the last few weren't actually mistakes I had made but hey, sometimes you just have vent. I've had 3 jobs in my life (including this one) and I can honestly say up until this point I had always enjoyed working. I do not enjoy this job. Scratch that, I enjoy the job but the boss' make it overwhelming at times.

In other news, I'm working on going back to college. At the moment I'm trying to get some past student loans taken care of. For the record, don't ever use Stafford Subsidize for student loans. I was 16 and they let me sign a contract (no co-signer) to be responsible for paying a $1,500 loan back. I suppose this is good on my part considering they can't legally hold me accountable for signing something I wasn't legal to sign in the first place.

Anyway, so I have to get that taken care of and I'm looking into some online school options. Right now I'm looking at University of Phoenix. I could get an Associate of Arts in Information Technology/Web Design in 2 years. Sounds nice. We'll see where it goes, I'd really like to have it all taken care of and starting classes by June.

-Shelby

Random

2010-02-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

So I've thought about starting a vlog.. Just one of those random things I've gotten the urge to do recently. However, my camera has been dead for sometime now. I don't know, we'll see..

I started a job a few weeks ago, I'm a desk clerk at a hotel here in town. I enjoy the job, despite it being ridiculously boring at times (small town + shitty economy = no guests.) My only real complaint about it is my boss. To make a long story short, he and his wife own the hotel, they're both Indian. He may live in America but he seems to still have trouble with the change in culture.. Basically, he's a dick. He treats women like shit and believe's we're all idiots and second-class people. He feels the need to constantly talk down to me and try to make me feel inferior to him. It doesn't as I still think he's a retard, but it does piss me off.

Anyway, valentines day was boring. Husband and I are both on 3rds so we slept the whole day haha..

I guess I don't have much to say today but I just was in the mood to write something. I should probably go to sleep, I have work tonight.

PEACE

"BBW"

2010-01-28T00:59:00.000-08:00

For those of you that don't know what BBW stands for, it stands for "big beautiful women." Although it is used as a porn term, that's not necessarily what it's talking about. It's a general term for a desirable woman who is larger or overweight.

As long as I can remember, I have always been fat/chubby/whatever. Growing up, I got made fun of, of course. Nothing out of the ordinary but at the same time, when you're that young, it just feels like being made fun of, for whatever reason, means that their must be something wrong with you. So I wanted to be skinny, but I never was.

My weight fluctuated pretty terrible, especially between 11 & 15. I spent a summer trying to starve myself because I thought it would make a difference. I lost around 40lbs but it eventually all came back (shocker, right?) I actually had my biggest growth spurt as far as height when I was really young, I was almost always the tallest person in class, boy or girl, up until about 6th grade when everyone finally caught up to me.

I never had a boyfriend growing up, and I always felt different than everyone else. I attributed most of my issues socially to my weight. Boys don't like fat girls, people don't want to be friends with a fat girl. blah blah.. It's the same story you'd hear from most people in my shoes at that barely-a-teen age.

I think I finally really started to comfortable with myself when I was 18. I was out of school and I only surrounded myself with people that were usually older than me.. I honestly had no interest in being friends with other 18 year olds. One of my very best friends at 16 was a pregnant 20something year old I met while her husband was in Iraq.

For the last couple of years I have really gotten much more happy with my body. I realized a while ago that me feeling different had nothing to do with my weight.. I just am different. I embrace it now. And why boys didn't ever like me? Some did, they were just never the ones that I liked back. I suppose at that age we only want what we want and everything else is non-existent in our world.

I never realized their were men who actually preferred larger woman. I always assumed everyone wanted the same type of person and I would just never be that type of person. Then I met my husband. We've openly discussed his feelings on "beauty" and why he prefers big woman. My husband is 6'1" and when we met he weighed about 185lbs. I, on the other hand, at about 5'8", weighed 200lbs.

Although not everyone would look at me and think that I'm physically attractive, I know of at least one person who does. And he's the one that matters.

I guess my whole point in this post could be summed up in the old saying of "If I knew then what I know now.." Because in all honesty, all the things I went through growing up were tough, but if I knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have mattered in the least bit. I would have known that weight is not important and that real people don't treat each other like they do in middle school. Kids are generally just mean. But one day, most of them will grow up and change like we all do. I'm pretty sure I wasn't always the nicest kid, either.

reality..

2010-01-21T15:50:00.001-08:00

So husband and I were married a year as of January 9th. We moved that day so didn't celebrate. We decided to wait until he had 4 consecutive off days to actually celebrate, today is day number 2 of those off days.

Anyway, originally we had planned on going out of town to Tupelo. He had saved up some money so we could afford it. He was going to trade in his play station 3 to get me a Wii because he knows I've been wanting one forever. We were going to eat a nice meal, come home, hook up the Wii & play it. Not the most exciting thing in the world but despite us being 20 & 22, we are rather old at heart and prefer staying home anyway.

Reality is such a funny thing. You make plans and it kicks you in the face and says "fuck that, my way is cooler." Reality is a bully, by the way.

Husband had to go pick up my step-son at school this morning because he was sick. My best friend's father was in critical condition this morning after a car wreck last night and she was distraught. So best friend came over and mom and I tried our best to console her, a hard thing to do when her dad is 9 hours away and she has no money to get to him. We managed to find enough money to get her there, I think that alone was enough relief to stop her crying, which made me feel better.

All that and then I called gamestop only to find out the entire city has been out of stock of Wii's for 3 weeks since they dropped the prices from $299 to $199. sigh. So husband and I went & ate steak and salad at a local restaurant and took a nap instead. :)

This whole thing probably sounds like I'm complaining but in all honesty, I've never been happier. My husband is the sweetest man, even if he sucks at showing it sometimes. He was going to give up spending me and him time so my bff could come with us, hoping it would take her mind off of her dad.

On a side note, my husband is a quick guy. He managed to dodge a 6 year olds projectile vomit this morning. Awesome.

ahhh what a day.

formspring.me

2010-01-12T19:54:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything you want. It's anonymous. I'll answer. http://formspring.me/greendill

Giving thanks

2009-11-13T01:49:00.001-08:00

So the holidays are coming up quickly. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of them. The older I get, the more I realize that they're more for kids to have fun and adults to stress out about. Normally, there are about five places to be at once on the day of and about as many things to get done before hand. That and it just tends to be financially stressful..

My husband has to work Thanksgiving day and blitz (black Friday) this year, but my parents are going out of town to spend Thanksgiving with family in Arkansas. He, of course, told me to go.. But I have no desire to spend a day of giving thanks without the one person I am most thankful for in my life. So I'm staying here. We're going to have thanksgiving with his family the afternoon of Thanksgiving and have no other plans. So I am going to cook dinner for us on blitz, which, with my history of cooking, will probably turn out to be a disaster.. but it's the thought that counts, right?

Just a few things I am thankful for.

My number one.. A wonderful husband who gives me everything I need, most things I want, rarely says no to me, and loves me even though I can be cranky, mean, and ditsy as hell sometimes. The only man who will ever fully understand, love, and embrace every weird ~~little~~ big part of me. And who has been there for me since day one of walking into my life.. I wouldn't have made it through all the things we've been through this last year and a half without him.

A mom & (step)dad who have taken care of my husband and I in all bad times, and have been there in all good times. I can't imagine it possible to have parents that are more amazing, understand, and forgiving than mine are. My mother is the only person on earth that has been there for me since the day I was born, I would not change that for the world. Richie has been more of a father figure in my life in the last few years than I can ever remember having in my childhood.

Two beautiful and healthy step-children who could not be better kids, who I love more than I ever thought possible.

Having less than a handful of close friends who I have the best time with.

The health and safety of my loved ones.

All the wonderful memories over the last year.

My own health.. and sanity.

And, as weird as it may sound, all the mistakes that I (we) have made over the last year.. and learned from.

Homewrecker

2009-11-02T11:31:00.001-08:00

I'm sure we've all heard the gossip surrounding Jon & Kate Gosselin. And Hailey Glassman. I have to be honest, I actually feel really bad for her. Everyone says she's a homewrecker and basically she's what broke up their marriage but I really don't believe that. Maybe it's because I've been in a similar situation (yeah, never thought I'd compare myself to her)

In a situation like that, there is no happy medium. You can't make everyone happy so the best thing you can do is just work on making yourself happy. That doesn't mean at other peoples expense and I really don't think that's the case anyway. You can't help who you fall in love with. The fact that she takes the burden of being the one that "ruined their marriage" is completely unfair. I don't think you can ruin a happy marriage. If he wanted to stay married he would have. I think the relationship just happened at an inconvenient time.

When I first met my husband, he was married at the time. We became friends through quite a few mutual friends but there was sincerely nothing there at the time. We went out to lunch together with several other friends because we all worked together and had the same schedule. We spoke briefly on myspace on a few occasions. I never had his phone number and he never had mine. The night he actually asked his wife for a divorce he got my phone number from a friend and sent me a text message.

When he split with his now ex-wife, he started staying with a mutual friend. Myself, along with roughly 5 other friends, spent a lot of time at this persons house. This wasn't the least bit unusual considering we all spent a lot of time at that house long before his split with his wife. At the time I had 2 roommates who were out of town for a couple of weeks and he was sleeping on a very uncomfortable couch (or the floor) of our friends basement. I offered him a free bed and he took it.

The immediate reaction was awful. I hate to go into details about it because it was well over a year ago and I feel like his ex-wife and I have actually established somewhat of a descent friendship, if you want to call it that, considering how we started but.. I got some pretty nasty myspace message. Most of them basically consisted of calling me a homewrecker and saying that the problems hadn't started until I came along, that I had no right to text or flirt with him, etc..

By the time my husband and I were actually in somewhat of an unofficial relationship, most of his family knew about me and absolutely despised me. At one point I gave him a ride to pick up some stuff from his ex in a parking lot. I had originally planned to drive him to his car and let him drive there alone but it was at work and the parking lot wasn't far so he told me to just go there. I sat in the car and said nothing, I didn't even look at her. As we were pulling out to leave an SUV came barreling in and parked, blocking us in, I thought I was seriously going to hit it. His Aunt jumped out of the vehicle and came up to his window, screaming at the top of her lungs about how he left his family for a "piece of ass," she called him every name in the book, and said that I would never be welcome in their family.

His dad refused to meet me for the first few months we were together. He had some mail he had to pick up at his dads so we rode up there together. I, again, stayed in the car. His dad didn't so much as look at me, despite the fact that he was standing right in front of my car. I think a lot of that was half because of how we got together and the other half because of how I looked (at the time I had hot pink hair, several piercings, and of course my visible forearm tattoo.)

This went on for a while. His ex posted myspace blogs giving detailed accounts about how she felt about the situation and how the divorce was going. Most included comments about "his new girlfriend" and how I'd never be welcome around her child. They made him look like a horrible person and me look just as bad. It was made out to be like he left his wife and child for some sort of college type party life and some new piece of ass. That was far from the truth. Because of the posts that were made publicly on myspace, a lot of the friends he shared with his ex took her side and immediately hated me. He lost friends like that.

We both drank a lot in the beginning, I guess to deal with the stress.. I never cared much for what people thought but it gets exhausting biting your tongue to keep the peace. Which is exactly what I did. I never posted anything on my myspace to counter-act what she was posting. I never spoke to his family about it. I never defended myself to anyone that was whispering behind my back. I never told the people calling me a homewrecker that he was actually "my first." Out of all the messages I received from his ex I replied to only one. Simply saying that I really didn't think it was my place to discuss their divorce or our relationship with her, that she'd have to talk to him. I think this actually pissed her off more but those weren't my intentions.

We've been married for almost a year now (January 9th) and I get along fine with his family.. Other than that Aunt that jumped out of the SUV. His ex-wife and I get along. The three of us actually took my step-daughter trick-or-treating together right before Halloween. I'll admit, it took a long time for everything to calm down but it did eventually happen..

I had a dream.. about a microwave.

2009-10-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

This morning I was asleep and having a really strange and terrible dream involving some random guy named Scott trying to kill my dog, Ada. Some girls were playing with her and had put her inside of a tupperware bowl and were spinning it or something random like that. Well Scott walks up and proceeds to put water in the bowl, put the top on it, and put her in a microwave. I was not there when he did it but somehow knew that this had happened to her (she was alive and well, despite her encounter with the microwave)

So I ask around to find out "who done it." I figure it out when I see Scott and his shirt is wet (Ada doesn't like water) I walk up to Scott and I AM PISSED. I ask him "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!" And all he has to say for himself is "She's fine, and even if she wasn't, you could just get another dog." Well, obviously Ada is not just any dog, she is my dog, damnit. This pissed me off more. So I reared back and kicked him as hard as I could in the balls.

I promptly woke to my dog, Ada, squealing like a banshee because I had just woke her out of a dead sleep against my leg by kicking the shit out of her, she flew off the bed and into the floor. The noise woke my husband up and he said to me "you might want to check on your daughter" (we call her our daughter because.. I guess we're just weird, I don't know..) and I replied "I already know whats wrong with her." He, of course, thinks I'm still asleep because I sound groggy as hell and like I really don't care. "What's wrong with her?" and I tell him "I kicked her." and I roll back over to try and go back to sleep. It was too late, though, he had started laughing and I was up for the day.

Needless to say I never got to find out how badly I hurt that animal abusing Scott guy, whoever he was. But I hope his balls hurt.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up...

2009-10-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid and I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, the answer was always pretty much the same.. I just wanted to live at home with my mommy. I guess this isn't a far stretch from what actually happened. I'm 20 years old, married with 2 step-kids, and happily enjoying the idea that I maybe one of those weird people that's still living in their parents basement at 30. Given mine is partially by choice.

I feel like no one can ever really prepare you for the real world. No one tells you in high school that you may not ever know what you really want to do when you're an adult. It actually feels like you're almost being forced to pick something you might be able to stand to do for the rest of your life when you finally get to college.

I dropped out of high school in 9th grade. I got my G.E.D and went to college when I was 16. I honestly felt like being so young I was getting a big head start on everyone else my age. Four years later and I have nothing to show for that one semester I failed. I feel like I wasn't really prepared for college.

I really don't think it had to do with my age though. I think it was the fact that I went from being forced to go to school to no one really caring if you showed up or not. It was just up to me weather I went or not. And I didn't go some of the time. But when I did I really did try. But the times I didn't go really screwed me. I always thought I was so good at English. Then I got to college and I really didn't do very well. I guess I was just "good for my age."

That's kind of like saying I'm pretty for a fat girl. It's a disappointment. I've thought for the last four years of what I might want to go back to school for. Because despite the fact that my husband and I probably will live with my parents until they're gone, it's not because we want to be supported by them. Roommates suck. Parents suck (at least what I've gathered from people with normal families..) But having both in one doesn't suck for me.

The things I think I might want to do are so extremely different it's kind of crazy. On one side I would love to become a Mortician and eventually go back to be a Medical Examiner. Another would involve animals. Maybe owning my own animal shelter or veterinary clinic. And yet another.. Other than the walmart deli/bakery, there's no where near here that has real baked goods. And I love to bake. Mostly cupcakes but I've been waiting for a good occasion to try my had at fondant on a cake.

I think opening a bakery would actually make a lot of business around here. Make birthday cakes, anniversary cakes, etc.. and have a display case for single serving foods for sale like they do at Starbucks and stuff. Make cookies and cupcakes and serve coffee.. Just because I like coffee, though.. That's something I really enjoy doing, too. Drinking coffee and baking, I mean.

So who wants to help me start my own bakery? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Weblove

2009-10-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

So I know quite a few people that have recently started to like the website "People Of Walmart." I thought I'd compile a quick list of websites with a similar funny-ness I thought everyone could appreciate.

WTF Pictures - Pretty self-explanatory. A whole lot of pictures that make you say "wtf?"
Ugliest Tattoos - A website showing some of the strangest, ugliest, and dumbest tattoos in existence.
Item Not As Described - A compilation of weird and sometimes confusing offers on Craigslist & Ebay.
Photobomb - Ever seen a picture that might be normal if not for the shady guy in the back doing some obscene gesture or someone who obviously shouldn't have been in the picture? Yeah, this is that.
Failblog - Full of fail.
Engrish! - For the English handicapped.
Hawtness - Normally attractive woman doing things that are just strange.
Photoshop Friday - Photoshop at it's finest.
Cyanide & Happiness - A hilarious stick-figure comic.
F My Life - People submit short stories about crappy things that happen in their day-to-day lives.. usually very funny.
Dumbemployed - Sort of like FML but focused on work experiences.

For the record, I am absolutely fine with laughing at other peoples expense. They'd do it to me.. Shit, I'd do it to me.

iPanic

2009-09-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

My hubbyface & I.

I watch a lot of reality shows. I mean, a lot.. But my favorite by far is "True Life." It's the only thing airing on MTV that I watch and it's been around for about 10 years. They pick a very wide range of subjects. I've watched everything from "I'm a drug addict" to "I'm eloping." They even aired one not too long ago called "I panic" about 3 young adults battling panic attacks & anxiety disorders.

I have panic disorder. The show showed some extreme cases. Two of the girls couldn't drive, ever.. not even around their own neighborhoods. One couldn't leave her house and had to cancel her wedding because of it. And there was a guy who lived on Staten Island and couldn't leave because he hyperventilated even looking at bridges.. I went through two or three different medications before finding one that has really helped me. I haven't had a panic attack since June. And even then it was the first I had in months.

My experiences were pretty limited to crowds.. More specifically at work when I was a customer service rep. I worked in a call center with hundreds of other people and sometimes the fact that I could hear them all talking at once would make me nervous and eventually cause me to panic. The first severe one that I had was when my parents took my sister & out for our birthday. (She's 2 years older than me but our birthdays are 9 days apart.)

We went out to eat at The Olive Garden. At the time I think my hair was neon orange, I had all of my piercings in (eyebrow, lip, ears at 2g, etc.) So I was used to being stared at. But for some reason it hit me really wrong that day. I was at the table waiting on our food and some guy was staring at me and his table of four were whispering, everyone in the damn restaurant was whispering it seemed like. I flipped out and left the table, locked myself in a bathroom stall to cry. A cramped stall was probably the last place I should have gone but it was the only place that was empty.

My husband and I met when we were both working at the call center. My panic disorder got worse over time and eventually got to the point where I was anxious if I knew he wasn't at work or if I wasn't sitting with my friends around me. I remember sitting out in the hall one day, outside the bathroom, and calling him bawling, he could barely understand me and I had no idea why I could catch my breath or stop crying.

I've dealt with panic attacks in my mom. It seems like it would have been easier knowing that nothing was actually going to happen to me. And knowing how to usually calm someone down who was experiencing the same feelings I was then. It didn't. It actually upset me more because all I could think was "Why can't I stop this?"

When I realized how badly it was effecting me at work I started seeing a doctor. It was to the point that I was leaving in the middle of the day because I couldn't calm down. My husband (boyfriend/fiance at the time) would sometimes have to leave work to take me home, or my parent's would have to drop whatever they were doing to come get me because I couldn't drive when I was like that.

But this didn't happen to me every day. It didn't happen every time I went to work or every time I was in a crowd. Just sometimes.

For the love of dog.

2009-09-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

This is Ada. Ada is some weird mix of fiest, boxer, bulldog.. She was the runt of the litter. Toad & I adopted her a couple of weeks ago and she's turned into my baby. This is not really unusual considering the last pet we had, a pitbull named Yoshi, slept in bed with us every night despite the fact that she sometimes would pee in the bed at our feet while we slept. At the moment, Ada is in the floor chewing on a plastic pair of furry handcuffs I gave to my husband last year as a cute joke..

I suppose getting a dog is a way of getting rid of that "I'm married and should now produce offspring" feeling that I sometimes get. At least for me it is. It's not that I believe that's supposed to be "the next step" (unless of course you want it to be) and actually, it's not even that I want children of my own. Just the idea of that being a possibility is fine. But some days I'll see some girl in walmart carrying a baby that might be a month or two old and my heart just melts.

Of course, then I remember being 14 or 15 years old and helping out with my newborn nephew. There is no love stronger than the one where you clean the diarrhea off another persons butt or burping them until they vomit warm milk down your back. That's the part that brings me back down to earth and gives me the realization that.. I don't really feel like changing diapers and smelling baby vomit right now.

Even if somewhere down the road my husband and I decide we want a baby together, for now, we're both content with a dog. The process is roughly the same.. She cries when she wants something, I still have to clean up her pee and poop, she eats and drinks constantly, and she really likes to be under my feet. Not a huge difference, I guess.

Mackenzie Phillips

2009-09-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

So this whole Mackenzie Phillips scandal? I can't really say weather or not I believe anything she's said. On one hand, if it's true, that's something that is so incredibly personal and disturbing that I can't really imagine why someone would want to admit it so publicly. Of all places, on the Oprah Winfrey show?

I realize she says it in her book but couldn't she have just left it at that? Okay, you're trying to spread the word, you want to help others in this situation.. Help out a charity, speak to others that have been through the same thing.. But for christ sake, go to counseling first.

On the other hand, the girl has been a drug addict most of her life. She was arrested last year for possession of cocaine and heroine in an airport. Is she even sober? Who says she even wrote this thing when she wasn't high. I just find it hard to believe that someone who's barely out of rehab managed to write, edit, and publish a memoir.

I doubt I'll ever read the book, to be honest. I've already found some contradictions in her story.

"Phillips, now 49, said she was 17 or 18 the first time she can remember having sex with her father." -CNN.com

"On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it," writes Phillips, who was 19 and a heavy drug user at the time. "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I didn't know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it." -CNN.com

Odd, to say the least. Maybe she's telling the truth. I suppose if you were going to lie about such a thing you probably wouldn't say something to the effect of "I consented to a sexual relationship with my father for 10 years." Then again, it would be a little suspicious to say "My dad raped me but I continued to tour with him anyway."

When I was probably 10 or 11 I used to watch this show called "So Weird." It was about a girl who lived on tour with her mom (Mackenzie Phillips) and encountered paranormal happenings along the way. It was an okay show, pretty creepy considering it was played on Disney. I guess the fact that I actually know who Mackenzie Phillips is without ever having known who John Phillips or The Mamas and The Papas were is probably why I find this whole fiasco sort of fascinating.